Can you be social and skinny?

Food ... Friend or Foe? It's been one month since my competition. I was an unusual 119 pounds and feeling great! Knowing that I'd gain it back, I have written a couple of times already about my mental food struggles. I've learned a lot about myself in this time. Even though I've turned into a scale addict, I weigh myself daily to see how the previous day affected me. I've found that if I eat any calories more than about 1700 I will gain weight, and if I keep it between 1500 and 1700 I can take the previous day's weight gain off in 2 days. So I can only go over calories once every 3 days if I want to maintain my weight. Obsessive? Yes! I still log all of my foods, I look for recipes that are clean and then I make changes to them to make them cleaner. I figure out the macros and put them in my log. I made a page to my "approved foods" list of recipes that are delicious and that fit into acceptable macro ranges. This way when I start my next diet (next fall) I can still cook meals for my family that we all enjoy and I can get some variety... making the whole experience easier. I haven't had as much time to do that this week however, because it's the last week before the big bargain fair and I have to finish getting ready for that... cleaning out closets, pricing and packing "sell" boxes into the neighbor's empty shed.

I have had a lot of social functions this week. I posted this question on Facebook a few days ago.... "Food for thought".... Can you be social and skinny at the same time? And by this I don't mean your "natural" weight. Most women want to lose at least 5 pounds, but their bodies like to stay at 'such and such' weight. So if you want to be that 5 pounds thinner, can you be social and go to social events? We all know that social events almost ALWAYS involve food. "Let's go to lunch!", the neighborhood BBQ or block party, end of the season pot lucks for piano, sports, classes, scouts, clubs. Then we have several friends that are also PCSing soon, so we say, "let's get together for dinner!" "Let's have a girls' night out! Wine tasting and dinner/drinks"..... Are you following? If not... then you need to find some friends and live a little! OK.. so this week alone, I had boy scout ice cream social (which Mike went to), breakfast with a girlfriend (after we worked out, of course), my last NPS class which I brought apple Fiber One muffins with protein powder (healthy but added unscheduled calories to my day), a pot luck for massage lab, wine tasting and dinner with "the girls", 'going away' dinner with friends last night, neighborhood block party tonight. There are 2 more scheduled for next week but both on Friday. And then Sunday we leave for vacation for 2 weeks! I'm hoping that it won't be too hard to eat healthy--mostly... but I won't be able to count the calories.

Anyway, the responses to my FB post were some like, "eat small portions", "plan for the extra calories by cutting calories earlier in the day", "workout more on those days", and one answered "NO". I have to agree with the last person. When I was 137 pounds, I could eat anything I wanted in any quantity and not gain weight. The scale might fluctuate, give or take, 2 pounds but I never had to worry about it. God made me a comfortable 137... my given natural weight. THEN the "diet" happened, I lost 18 pounds, looked great, felt great and trying to only come back half way. Well... guess what?... my body wants to go back to 137! My goal was to stay under 130 and I really have to fight to stay there. So can I have friends and meet my goal? I just really don't know. So far it's not really working out. I hit 130 this weekend. It's no surprise with the amount of social stuff this week. It's been unusually busy. I think I've done PRETTY well at portion control. But when people bring food to a pot luck, they bring the best tasting recipes that they have! You know... the ones with lots of butter and real sugar and lots of cheese.... they don't bring rice cakes, protein brownies, or vegetable cookies! (I do have a zucchini cookie recipe that is delish! But if you want them to be good, you still have to ad sugar!..no butter tho). So even if you portion control, you are still eating a lot of extra fat and sugar than you normally would have. So you say... well, just don't eat it! SURE!... That's just an EASY thing to do!! (yeah right!)... and the other option would be... don't go. Then you have ask... how much do I like having friends? Listen, when I was training, I was almost exclusively antisocial for over 3 months. My friends would invite me and I'd say no because the temptation was too great and it made me crabby to not be able to eat all the tasty foods that were out. So after awhile my friends stopped inviting me. I started feeling left out...which made me ... CRABBY! There is no way to win people! If I had better will power, I could go to parties and not eat.. but I don't have it. I don't think I ever will. Although I think I will get better and better about portioning. I've already gotten a little better with my control. But other things are coming out, that I am having to deal with and it's not as easy as just "not eating it". I went through some bulimia issues in high school. To make a long story short... I don't think I ever quit bingeing. I just quit purging and started exercising. I never even realized that I was bingeing until now that I have the freedom to eat again, and I'm counting the calories. Now, when I have a "bad moment", I feel like I've totally screwed my day, and I'll be like.. "well I might as well screw it big today and I'll just start over tomorrow". The good thing is that I have recognized this as a problem and I'm trying to work it out. It's gotten better! I go back to conversations with Lisa and Kate, and try to coach myself through those moments. "This food is going to be here tomorrow" "You don't have to eat it all now, you can have this anytime you want some"...etc. I really am getting better, but I have a ways to go. Things like this take time and patience. I get frustrated with myself and this is where Kate comes in. It's time to confess that Lisa is no longer in my life. She felt like she was too invested in my success/failure after the competition and because of my repeated food failures (which I repeatedly confessed to her) she felt that she was wasting her time with me and I haven't talked to her since 1 week after the competition. I was crushed, of course. It's almost like I went thru the 5 stages of grieving. Anger held on the longest, but then I started to realize that I had put her up so high on a pedestal and had unrealistic expectations of what she could (and would) do for me. I think we both made a mistake. She was too invested in me, and I didn't rise up to her expectations and I relied too heavily on her and she didn't hold up to mine. I let her down, and she left me. I think we both lost.. I lost a trainer and mentor and she lost a friend. In the end, I've had to learn more from myself and have talked a lot with Kate about food issues, as we both have similar problems. It helps to have someone to talk to that understands the difficulties. It's not as easy as "just don't eat it", which is what Lisa wanted from me. I felt like such a failure because I couldn't just "not eat it". Why can't I be like her, and just not "effing" eat it?? And because of that, I lost my trainer and someone I thought was my friend. (another mistake on my part). Friends will stick by you even when you fail continuously, trainers will fire you when you waste their time. I can't say that I really blame her, honestly. I wanted to be her friend but was still a client. I will have to be wary of that when I start picking up my own clients. There is a fine line there, and I do have a tendency to want to be friends. Our different personalities will make us very different trainers but it's still something to keep in mind. In the end, I still learned a TREMENDOUS amount of stuff from Lisa and she made me into a body builder which has changed my life.... the way I look, workout, the way I think and eat. I'll always be grateful for knowing her.

... And that's all I have to say about that.

I'll probably blog again after my vacation to let you know how it went.

If you didn't know better, you'd think we were lesbians

Things are getting better since last weekend's BBQ. On Tuesday I weighed in at 127 and was a bit depressed by my lack of control and dedication to my body. After an hour with Lisa, I felt better as usual and had 3 really good days of eating clean. On Friday morning I weighed 124. Yeah! Yesterday was International Language Day out at DLI and I took the kids out of school early to go. I knew I was going to eat something, gave myself permission and ate breakfast and snack accordingly. After perusing all the vendors we came across the Italian bread booth. Aahhh.. food heaven. Since I gave myself permission to eat something, I tried to choose very carefully. The owner of the booth was very kind and let us sample almost everything on the table. (There were 4 of us (Kate, Tianna, Hunter and I) sharing each sample so it was just a bite for the most part) My favorite item, BY FAR, was the home made monkey bread. Do you know what that is people? Bread with cinnamon and sugar swirled in? It's amazingly awesome! I told him I wanted a loaf of THAT and he put one in a bag for me. As we continued to look and taste, I decided that nothing good could come from me buying a whole loaf of monkey bread so I apologized and asked if I could buy just one slice. (A little something that I learned from Lisa just Tuesday). He GAVE me 3 slices, which only made me guilty enough to feel like I had to buy something! So I bought a loaf of whole wheat bread made with no butter and no sugar. It was full of nuts and bird seed... not cinnamon and sugar. So I walked away feeling pretty good. Then there were some emotional triggers last night and I had a couple of drinks, and then went on a nearly 2 hour walk with Kate.

I love Kate. She is such an awesome friend. She continually comes to my rescue, always encourages me no matter how many times I fail at the same damn task no matter how simple that task might seem. Her and I have the same type of weaknesses so we understand each other perfectly. As we walked and talked and she expressed her jealousy of my continuous walking farts, I realized that I may never find another friend like her. For those of you who know Kate, and she suddenly disappears from the area... don't fear, I probably just acted on my desire to adopt her as our permanent auntie/nanny and took her with us to Italy. I already invited her on her own free will but she wants to stay here and teach and start her career. That's just a crazy, ridiculous and absurd thing for her to do if you ask me! So I may have to take her by force. I even tried to convince her that she would surely find a handsome and rich European husband, but ..*sigh*.. she denied me this one thing. So I toast, with a jar of nuts to my ever steady, never will divorce me, always will support me and love me, friend Kate. Thanks for everything, my friend.

I think I've gone blind....

So yesterday was the big celebration BBQ. I talked a lot of smack about getting drunk and eating everything in sight. I did the second part of that for sure. I worked like a dog in the kitchen all morning baking, laundry, cleaning, tearing our fence down... you know, everyday stuff. When it got time to start drinking, I had to take Kaelyn to the mall, cuz I said I would, but I misunderstood that she wanted to go do Plato's closet. So I took her but had to stay while she shopped. When I got home I was an hour from party time and still had to make the salad, and then Julie came over to roll out her awesome home made rolls. The chaos continued in the kitchen for me, while hubby and friends were starting their beer "wizard staffs". I made a margarita for myself but kept setting it down to eat, and yell at the neighbor kids. By the time I finished eating I was too full to drink. My belly was so full and distended that I think I got some stretch marks! I felt yucky when I went to bed.

Today was Mother's Day, not as bad as yesterday but I feel just as stuffed. Tomorrow I am going to enjoy my clean diet food and even going to cook chicken and sweet potatoes for dinner.

I did have some great workouts at the end of the week though, because I am STIFF! My back from Thursday and legs from yesterday. It's awesome to feel that.

post contest diet, stalking? and whatever else comes to mind

Last night I had a little emotional moment and I had to take some quiet time to pull myself together....

So there I was...

OK, it's not going to be a passionate, make you laugh story. Sorry, Jason. I've been thinking a lot about post-contest diet and gaining the weight back since I STARTED training back in January. I thought (and still think) that I have a pretty good handle on the realistic situation of it all. But somehow, I still worry about it and feel a little guilty when I eat foods that have not been on my diet for the last 3 months. I've gone back to the early March version of the diet but still cut stuff out where I think I can because I give myself more leniency with my evening dinner with my family, so I try to conserve calories where I can. I'm still not eating after 7pm and I will maintain that healthy habit forever (I hope... unless there is drinking involved and then I can't be responsible for what goes in my mouth. Luckily I don't drink that often) So then, what's the problem? you might ask. I don't know. Lisa said that post competition is a huge "mental fuck" (her words of course :-) I can understand why. I can eat, and have been.. trying to keep in moderation, which MOSTLY is happening.. still not buying "naughty foods", just finishing up what's left from post comp gorge. What's the problem? Maybe it's just PMS. This morning I weighed 122.2 (up 3 pounds from Saturday) I don't think that is bad at all. I figure at least 1 pound of water retention. I'm hoping to stay 122/123 for another week or 2. This weekend will be a major caloric kill. We are having a HUGE BBQ in my honor to celebrate that I can eat. I plan to taste everything and drink plenty of Smirnoff. Then Sunday is Mother's Day. I'm sure there will be a treat of some kind. So I'm trying to be extra good today and yesterday. So on Monday our house should be purged of all things tempting (I mean BAD tempting like cake/cookies/alcohol.... ) So again, back on the diet I go. Still doesn't seem to be that big of a deal.

So here is the problem, I think. This might sound totally retarded and creepy so please don't judge. I think, in all honesty, that I'm feeling a little separation anxiety.... from Lisa. I don't want you to think I'm like, stalker status or anything. But Lisa is leaving in 3 weeks (or less) and she is super busy with all that. I am not training with her or consulting with her 4 times a week. I don't have her to tell me what to eat, and how to workout. I think I feel like a little part of me has gone away. Weird? It feels weird to me too as I just met Lisa in January. It's not like we have been lifelong friends. But for 3 months she has been my rock, my mentor, my trainer, my disciplinarian, my source of knowledge in all things fitness, my shoulder, my friend. I don't really feel ready to take on the task of continued training without her but I have to. It's like someone is pushing me into a pool of cold water and I HATE being cold!

In the end, I'm a strong woman and I will be ok. :-) I might wander aimlessly around my house mumbling and rambling on about random nothingness.. but as long as I don't start rocking myself into the wall repeatedly, I'll recover from post competition/trainer moving trauma.

I guess I'll post on occasion to let you know how the post comp diet is going. Lisa said that she has seen some crazy things happen to people post comp. Who knows? You might still get some good stories. In the mean time, I still enjoy rice cakes with peanut butter. My ultimate goal is to hang out between 125 and 130 while gaining 5 pounds of muscle mass in my upper body. That way, come this time next year, I will be kicking ass at my next competition in Italy somewhere. For those of you that are face book friends, you will hear about it and I will probably start blogging again. I think that blogging helped me to stay accountable and motivated. Plus, it was a bit of therapy for me too.

Competition pictures

Here are some pictures of the show. Although the organization itself was very unorganized and the day felt chaotic to be kind, I had a great time when I finally got my turn on stage. I was nervous but I did my best and I don't think the nerves showed. There were only 4 of us in the bodybuilding category and the 2 ladies to my right were in a different category that me so I was stuck with the marshmallowy girl to my left who had no business being on that stage. She knew it too and tried to drop out of that category but she was not allowed to drop. She was embarrassed to be there and I was embarrassed for her. So it was an easy first place for me. I was really hoping to have more competition so I could really brag about it, but I'll still take my trophy and put the ranking on my resume.

The night show was a lot of fun too. My routine went well, I didn't stumble or forget anything. I smiled the whole time and even tried to "egg on the audience" for applause. Pictures of me in the red suit are from the night show.

After the show I ate 3 slices of pizza, a 1/2 bottle of wine, and various treats and cookies. On Sunday I had a pretty decent breakfast, but then ate lunch at Rainforest Cafe, chocolate covered peanut butter cookie, and Cold Stone ice cream for 'dinner'. I was actually nauseous by bed time.

Today I was going to get back on the wagon but ate banana bread for breakfast, Myo frozen yogurt for lunch, more banana bread for snack, Mexican Fiesta Salad Pizza for dinner (pretty low fat but HI in sodium), and yet more banana bread for another snack after spin. I'm finding my motivation to not stick to the diet very weak now that the competition is over. My "food baby" has yet to be delivered. I'm going to try again tomorrow to stick to a clean "pre ~ peak week" menu. I only want to gain 10 of my 17 pound weight loss back. But the way things are going so far... we'll see. I think I will not beat myself up too much this week. Lisa told me I could just relax and eat whatever for a week, but my plan was to just have some dinner with my family and stick back to the diet otherwise. So far that has not happened... but it's only Monday.

Friday Carb Day

Friday! Carb Day!! I think it should be a holiday, even though most would consider my menu boring and bland. I get my steel cut oats as usual, then a cup of rice (twice), a rice cake and a sweet potato! I feel great today. I couldn't run a marathon but I still feel great comparatively speaking.

I had my photo shoot this morning and I think it went well. I saw some rough snaps off the camera and I know I will have a lot to choose from. I should have drafts in 2 weeks and I feel like a kid at Christmas! It will be a long wait!

I started blogging on Friday but didn't finish and now it's Sunday night. I'm posting this as is and will blog about the competition tomorrow.

9 hours to carbs!!! I'm coming for ya baby!

6am... are you effing kidding me? I really have to move right now?

6:15 ... I stumble going down the stairs to spin class (I don't fall) but it still makes me cry cuz I'm so effing depleted and hungry. I hate today.

8am... My spin class is so awesome. They really made me feel better and I left spin feeling equally depleted but in a better mood than when I got there.

12:30... home from posing practice. I wore the new pink suit instead of the blue one and it looks better (especially with the boob padding that I rigged into it). I will wear the pink for prejudging. The pictures look good. I am happy with the result of all this torture and I'm ready for Saturday.... I'm off for my wax, wish me luck! :-)

2:20...whew! Sure glad that is over. I have to say that it wasn't as painful as the first time I had it done but that rip is still a bitch. Thank goodness it's fast! So... I'm all clean and ready to sport that bikini! Well... I still have to wax my own legs and arms, but that is no huge deal no drama there. And Mike will have to shave my back tonight. That will be interesting.

At massage tonight I got a 2 hour massage.. the only thing that would have made it better would be to add Julie's home made rolls with a buffet of jellies, cheese, and various other toppings. Throw in some streets paved with gold and I am in heaven!

Recap~~ Workouts...check! Last posing practice...check! Pad the bra...check! Burn 3 copies of my routine song... check! Wax... check! Low carb week....almost check~~ 9 hour count down to carbs!!!

I want to give a shout out to Kate. She has been the best friend ever during this whole thing. She has worked out with me and pushed me, she has helped and encouraged me with the diet, she has brought me little gifts, she calls me frequently with encouraging words and has even offered to drive me around this week to keep me safe from hurting myself in my low carb mental status! She truly has been an understanding and solid shoulder to lean on. If you are every considering doing a body building competition, you need a trainer like Lisa, a husband like Mike and a great friend like Kate!

Where am I? and why do I have a pillow taped to my head?

What day is it today? and why is the front of my shirt wet?

Supposedly I taught a couple classes today (from the floor mostly). Kate taught kickboxing for me... thanks again, Kate > for the millionth time! Other than that, I pretty much sat at my desk in some kind of comatose state, obsessively checking facebook for entertainment. (not that entertaining) ... I was mildly entertained by the fact that I have continually spilled water down the front of my shirt all day. So I am officially retarded and should have a helmet on.. or a pillow taped around my head for protection. People that do the Atkins diet on their own accord are just fucking stupid, have no desire to exercise or be productive in any way.

Tomorrow should be interesting... I have one word for tomorrow's blog in advance.... "rrrrriiiippp". You do the math....

That's all I have to say.

No work, only play....

1am ~ I wake with a brilliant idea for my Thesis "101 Reasons Why the Body Needs Carbs"... Just kidding, I woke up to pee but I couldn't get back to sleep because I was too effing hungry. I felt nauseous and my muscles felt all funny like they wanted to stretch but didn't have the energy. I kept trying to find new positions to alleviate the problem but the more I tossed, the more my britches got twisted, as all my clothes are now 3 sizes too big for me. So then I had to wiggle around trying to untwist my jammies.... Of course I had all kinds of great blog lines in my head, but they are all gone now with all the rest of my thoughts....but trust me when I tell you that they were all very clever! I fell back asleep around 4 and felt hung over (again) when my alarm went off at 6.

I was still nauseous and my legs were noodles. I drank a ready to drink shake on my way to class, bumped my head on Mike's car door (he has a little car that I'm not so used to riding in... it could have happened anytime...really!) Then I tripped on my own feet (again) walking across the parking lot. I'd like to say there was an invisible curb there, but most adults don't believe in invisibility powers like me and Hunter do. Spin class was lame at best but I did what I could with my assigned cardio. My class is so sweet, they cheered me by talking about bringing me donuts on Tuesday morning. I told them that maple frosted ones are my favorite but anything glazed would do. I know it's just the delusions talking... or is it?

So although my mood was good, I shuffle my weak body back to my van and carefully and fearfully drove home. After my breakfast and sending the kids to school I drove to the community center for my upper body circuit and backed into the curb. It could have happened on any given day... I apparently was not in the vehicle at the time...no damage done to the van or the curb. Hence the fear of driving! Yesterday, Lisa commented "don't hurt yourself" and I giggled a little at that.

So posing practice is done and I'm home for the day until massage class tonight (which is going to suck rocks!). Since is windy and cloudy I'm going to spent the rest of the afternoon scrapbooking.... Because...

"No work, only play

Keeps me from thinking about food all day!!!"

Awesome sauce??

6:45am... have to pee... get up too fast and almost fall down. Thankful that my bathroom is only 2 steps from my bed cuz I could hold onto my night stand and then the wall, I literally plopped down onto the toilet. Whew! What a workout! ... Going back to bed

7:15am... do I smell dog fart? thanks for that, Dutchess! Stretch.... CRAMP<> CRAMP IN MY FOOT!!!!! Breath... breath... Get up, pee again, and notice that I have a red divot on the inside of each of my knees where they were pressed together, not moving for the last 30 minutes. My official weight is 121.0 .... I shrank 1.5 pounds yesterday.

I tripped on my own feet twice this morning while in process of making breakfast and rammed my knee into my desk when I scooted in to reach the keyboard. Maybe I'm still half asleep?.. speaking of which, I dreamed that I ate a cheezit off of some little kid's high-chair tray while waiting for my upcoming waxing appointment. Then when I went into the room it had 4 beds in it and a hot tub filled with people (a couple neighbors) and I was like... "Are you kidding me right now?... no WAY I'm have this 'procedure' done with all these people in here!!"

So after breakfast and pre workout snack, I felt pretty good for my workout and errands and when I got home I spent about 3 hours in the sun catching up on magazine reading. It was awesome! I even found a completely private spot and braved a thong tan. Lisa inspired that one! If she can do it so can I! But Mike came home early and scared the livin' daylights out of me! It would be pretty embarrassing to get caught in a thong by the neighbor, or mailman or the kids...whatever... But you know the next sunny day I'll be doing it again! So don't come peekin' over my fence.... sick-o's!

I felt pretty good today with 1500 calories until about 4:30 when I was just sitting down to eat dinner (Meal #4) and suddenly, I could just lay down and crash! Not good! I usually perk up at meal time regardless of how I'm feeling. So I took a 5 hour energy and headed to class. I was shaky by the time class started. I don't really like the way 5 hours make me feel (I've only had a couple since I've started training) so I only take them in desperate situations. I had a good class and sported a sports bra to spin for the first time. It was cool to see the class trying discretely not to stare. Hehehehe... It's more a body confidence thing, than an "I have awesome abs and want to show them off" thing. But I got plenty of "you look really great"s after class.... Thank you everyone! I wish my legs/glutes looked as good.

BUT.... In my carb depleted stupor, I locked my keys in my car! I called Mike to bring the spare key on his way to BJJ but he FORGOT! So ... "Mikey... you have some 'splaning to do!"... (But I still love you and forgive you... ) I got a ride home from a student :-)

When I got home I got the best snack EVER!! Rice cake with BNPB AND strawberry jelly(sugar free, fiber added)! O!M!G! Seriously!... A little bit of heaven!

ps.... Kaelyn wants me to tell Lisa that when she was born, the Dr. dipped her in awesome sauce and that's why she is so muchie..

((In case you are a movie retard... In Alice and Wonderland, when the Mad Hatter sees Alice for the first time he says, "You used to be much....muchier" It's my favorite line! And Lisa is the MUCHIEST! )) Jason.... I apologize for the side affects of all the "Lisa worshipping"... You will have to find your own way to deflate her 'muchie' growing ego due to all my goddess talk!

Day 1 of last week ... 1050 calories

Today started out with me waking up at 6:30. Unfortunately, this early rising thing has been happening to me quite frequently, and as I have never been a morning person, I have to wonder.. am I getting old or just hungry? Plus I had to pee... again... So after 15 minutes of trying to go back to sleep, I got up. But it was WAY too early to eat (even tho I was hungry), so I put in another load of laundry (which I didn't finish yesterday), and when I realized that Hunter was up, I cleaned his room, refolded all his clothes and went thru his closet and toys for yard sale stuff. Then.. laundry load #2. It's getting to be almost 9am and I can't wait to eat any longer. Mmmm... breakfast is the BOMB!! My carbs for the day, steel cut oats and muscle milk. I chose cookie dough flavor because I dreamed about cookies... again. Aaahhhh,... sweet delicious cookies with your heavenly carbs and sugar..... *sigh....

Anyhoo... after breakfast, I'm feeling normal so I fold another load of laundry with 2 more in line, call a local photographer to schedule a photo shoot on Friday morning, and then I go out to run errands. I stopped at GNC cuz Kate said there was some stuff on clearance that I eat, but it was picked over. Then to Target (to pee) and for chocolate chip pure protein bars and of course I HAD to buy a new pair of black workout pants for my photo shoot. You know... I HAD to! And my obsession with baskets reared it's ugly head and one just jumped right into my cart! I didn't want to waste any precious energy putting it back so it came home with me. Then to the commissary but first a quick peek in the PX (to pee again) and to see if they had any 7 slims jeans for Hunter... (they didn't). Home with the groceries, eat meal #2 and head to Lisa's for posing practice. More like "Keep the Ego in Check, Round 2" session... Mossy, you are amazing! Seriously!... She has to be 100 pounds with rocks in her pockets and she is huge! But I tweak my form every time I see myself on camera/pictures so it's good for me.

I still feel pretty good when I get home, and it's a beautiful day so after folding the last of the laundry, I can justify that I have done enough to call myself a productive and effective mother and wife, and I crawl up on the trampoline for the next 3 hours. Aaahhhh... the life! And I even used sunscreen at my son's concerned request. Bless his heart... he loves his mama!

But now... finally... the day is catching up and it's about all I can do to hold my hands up to the keyboard. I have 24 more ounces of water to drink to reach my 1.5 gallon goal. That's a lot of water, I tell ya! I'm just going to chug the last bottle and be done with it. I already have a 6 pound water baby anyway.

By the way.. this is what 2 oz of chicken looks like.... It's not a meal... it's not even a snack... it's just a tease! But of course it's not a carb so who really cares? BTW... after 5 minutes of cooking said chicken, I realized that I had the wrong burner on! DUH!...

You know you are carb depleted when....

You know you are carb depleted when....

*you realize after 5 minutes of cooking your chicken that you have turned on the wrong burner

*You find yourself gazing into space thinking of nothing for who knows how long?

*You are afraid to drive

*You have to pee every 15 minutes because of all the extra water you have to drink

*A rice cake is the highlight of your week

*You keep tripping on your own feet

*lock your keys in your car

*continually spill water down the front of your shirt

*you cry about the dumbest stuff

*you are so low energy that you don't even want to eat..(at least not if it's chicken)

No internet for a week.... but finally an update!

I've been trying to blog all week but I have not had a good internet connection so I'm sorry about that. I've had a good week this week. I've had some great work outs and not so great workouts but I have not cheated on the diet at all. It feels good to my well being to be able to be strong although I have to admit that I am still tempted! It is only because of the closeness of the competition that is keeping me "sinless". Well, whatever works, right?

I got my diet for the last week. I get 1050 calories tomorrow but 1500 and 1300 on Mon/Tuesday and I know I can handle those numbers and still function normally. Then Wed, Thurs are back down to 1050. The extra low carb thing is a little scary but I can do anything for 5 days, and at least I have Lisa, Jason and Eileen to share my misery. :-)

Today I went to Lisa's to practice posing with Lisa and Eileen. All of us posed together while Jason video taped. I was pretty apprehensive to stand in comparison with them. They are both so awesome! Skinny butts and wide backs, big 'ol biceps! I'm eternally jealous! But I have to keep in mind that I've been training only 3.5 months and had LOTS more weight to lose! Amazingly enough I was not too disappointed in the size of my ass in comparison if only I was wider on the top now... Of course as women, we are never happy with what we have, right? It all will depend on who my competition is. I have little bouts of nervousness but right now I'm just trying to survive the diet! I have a couple of new foods I get to try this week and 2 new flavors to Muscle Milk to try. Looking forward to the blueberry especially! I really miss fruit.

On Monday this week I weighed in at 124.0, since Wednesday I've weighed in at 122.4. Often by Monday I've put back on .5 pound or so. We'll see what happens.

Today while I layed out on the trampoline I made a menu for the 2 weeks after the show. My parents will be here on Friday for the weekend. After the show... major gorge... then on Sunday, we are staying in San Francisco to tour Alcatraz, so of course we will have to eat out breakfast and lunch, and then for dinner I am making Mexican Fiesta Pizza. Reduced fat crescent rolls for crust with taco seasoned turkey burger veggies and low fat sour cream. I think it's a pretty good choice as far as low fat dinners go. Then I decided that since I was on the trampoline, all happy and warm in the sun, that I would plan my menu for the 2 weeks after the show. I'm going to cook on Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday nights for those 2 weeks... trust me, the menu looks DELICIOUS!! I will eat small and controlled portions with my family on those nights and other than that I will continue the diet. Here is a concern.... A friend and loyal spin class member wants to do a "restricted dessert" party for me after spin class on Wednesday night the 5th, and my neighbors want to throw me a party/BBQ the weekend after the show. With such a smorgasbord of delicious restricted food at my disposal, I don't know if I will be able to 'nibble' just a bit. I will have to try.

Well, I know this is not a witty and entertaining blog. ... Just the facts, ma'am. So the least I could do is add a picture. This was taken after Friday's leg workout. It was FREEZING!! ... hence the hugging... but we would have done that anyway. :-) I have the best training in the world! Thanks Lisa for all you do!

Almost to single digit count down!!

Well, it's Tuesday night and I'm hungry. I am always excited about Wednesday's hi calorie! I've also discovered sugar free mints! My new best friends to mix in the the gum habit. But the mints give me a little crunch like candy and makes me feel like I'm having a little cheat.. but I'm not! But then I have to have gum so I don't eat a whole box of mints at once.

Time is flying by and I'm getting crazy excited to complete this journey. Mostly for food related reasons.... well... if I can be real... It's ALL for food related reasons! But just think with me.... Tomorrow is high calorie, the week goes down from there so by the time I get to the tough days I'll be looking down the barrel of 7 days to go. That also means 4 days of carb depletion and that really scares me a lot, if I can be honest. But I think I can manage it for 3 days and the afternoon of the 4th I get to start back on the carbs. Something VERY exciting to look forward too!

PLUS! ... Lisa and I get to split a gallon of Moscato on pre competition night! Something about extreme drunkenness will make me less nervous?? Well, that's what I heard anyway. The bottle is chillin'! (ok... so I only get one glass, but I can dream, right?)

You ready?... You ready?.... LET'S GET IT ON!!!

**sigh** where did the weekend go? I meant to blog earlier but just .... didn't.

Friday's "movies in review" blog was all about Lisa...why? Because I had too much time to think about stupid stuff like that while she had me doing 560 walking lunges with a 10 pound vest on. I knew what was coming and I was not afraid. I do lunges all the time and often in high rep numbers (although never THAT many)! The vest was a surprise though. My legs definitely got tired and wobbly by the end of the work out, and I was sure that I would be super sore... which... I was going to blog about this weekend. Well, I didn't really get that sore (even tho Lisa tried to poke my quads on Saturday to make me cry.... meanie! :-) So I wasn't very motivated to blog.

On Saturday I had my first fight with Mike that was body building related. I'm not going to go into detail because I don't air dirty laundry and Mike and I rarely fight. We have a very respecting and loving relationship and always try to treat each other like the best friends that we are. Basically, Mike snuck some jelly beans, I commented on the cheat, he reminded me that I ate 1/3 of a slice of apple pie just recently, and I got mad. It was a fair thing for him to say. Just because he is not doing the competition, doesn't mean that he is not trying to stick to the diet. Anyway, a 24 hour silent treatment ensued. After our lines of communication opened back up, Mike told me that I really didn't talk much about how I have been feeling daily, so he had no idea how that comment (meant to be a joke) was going to hurt my feelings. And I told him that I didn't want to be whiny and complaining all the time about being hungry, depleted and lethargic. (...."Second verse, same as the first!".... cuz this is the story of my life for the last month at least and will continue for the next 12 days... yes 12 days ~not that I'm counting) And any food related joke will not be funny to me. Anyway, hugs/kisses, everything is better and now I have license to complain... (if I can find the energy to open my mouth...unless it's to eat, then it's no problem)

So 24 hours of my weekend was ruined by a high tensioned household. Not really in the mood to blog when I'm mad (unless it's training related...then it makes for GREAT blogging!) And of course I took advantage of as much sun as possible taking way from blogging time and I went to my daughters musical and had 2 social events on Sunday. I have to say that one of said events had an awesome spread of food. Finger sandwiches on croissants, plates and plates of fresh fruit, little cinnamon rolls, cheezits, M&Ms, and various cookies...and wine. Excuse me.... **tear** sniffle** tear**... sigh.... Even though I dreamed, and smelled and imagined how everything must taste, I did NOT eat a single thing! I even brought a variety of sandwiches and fruit home and 3 cookies for the kids... alone in the car... by myself... no one looking... with said food, and didn't touch anything! I was exceedingly proud of myself! I think I would have caved if it wasn't getting so close to competition time. Thoughts like, "Really, how much damage will this little sandwich do?" "The sugar from this fruit will probably just run right thru me" "I can always exercise a little tonight to burn it off"... "Shut up, stupid brain, before I stab you with a tooth pick!!".... and there you have it... DONE!

So how am I feeling? Hungry! Mondays and Tuesdays suck rocks. I used to dread Wednesdays because of my 3 classes to teach, but now it's my favorite day! Here are some facts about my life.... (workouts and calories)

M-lift upper body, HIIT, teach spin, 1257

T-Teach spin, lift lowerbody, posing practice, 1272

W- teach muscle class, kickboxing and spin, 1722

TH-teach spin, lift upper body, HIIT, posing practice, 1377

F-lift legs, 1541

S and S..rest, 1361 and 1282

I'm starting to have a list of things to do that is about 5 feet long (blogging I can soon cross off). I'm glad that today is overcast so I can get some work done and not be tempted to lay out. Although I have to say that the sun makes me warm and happy and I can pass a lot of time without temptation, hunger, anxiety, stress, (whatever) when I'm out on the trampoline with a book, or a nap. I know inside, that as a mom and wife, I should be doing other stuff, but I also know that my husband and family would agree "better a happy mom than a busy and mentally unstable crazy person" at this stage in the game.... they can handle it for 12 more days as long as I can keep from crying, yelling or falling into a catatonic state.

Zombies, Mommies and Baby Flab...

Did you hear about the new movie coming out? It's called "My Trainer Must Be Crazy" Starring Lisa Brightman as the crazy trainer that is pursuing a career move to FL from CA but before she leaves she is determined to bring her final client to certain crippledness in an effort to have her ready for her first body building competition in only 3 months of training. Co-starring Rachelle Sian, new comer to the scene, dowdy mother of 3 who struggles with her sweet cheats and busy schedule. Will she survive the brutal workouts and verbal abuse of the relentless trainer? You'll have to watch and see! Sian is also working on her second movie, "Rachelle of the Dead" where she battles zombies that are after Brightman for putting them in their early graves.

You may have also seen Brightman in her award winning performances in "27 Workouts", where Brightman plays a lonely trainer that has 27 clients who all want to lose weight after having their first babies. This hilarious comedy shows our hero coming to terms with her own 'lack of' mothering skills as she comes into frequent contact with her clients' children while bringing mommies back to their previous physical glory. You don't want to miss the unexpected ending in this (literally) gut busting comedy.

The less known 80s budget film that introduced Brightman to the acting scene was the female version of "Best of the Best". Co-starring with Julia Roberts' brother... what's his name again?, this vein popping hero trains Brightman to fight in the ultimate vengeance fight. She also played a small role in the Broadway hit "Hair".

More currently, our talented A-lister sweetheart has recently tried her hand at directing such flicks as "Cats and Dogs" Starring lovers Flexie and Dutchess who have to combat the evil cat Cozmo. And the upcoming horror film "Quadzilla" Starring herself as the maniac quadzilla monster who battles the entire country of Fattamia and her arch nemesis Baby Flab.

This multi-talented real life trainer is not afraid to take on any project. She will be one to watch. It has been written in more established tabloids such as "Buns and Thighs" that our girl has been spotted practicing walking in 3 inch clear healed stilettos in an effort to not fall flat on her next walk on the red carpet at her opening night of "Revenge of Rambina".

"Cookie dough... you ain't nuthin!"

A few big successes today.

#1. I did my first empty stomach spin class this morning. It felt fine. I really hardly noticed the lack of calories, although I got a little burned out at the end but that could be because by Thursday my legs are pretty toasted anyway. I'll tell you what though... by the end of class I was HHUUUUNGRY!! I ate breakfast, sent Hunter off to school, was at the gym at 8 for my lift and HIIT on the treadmill. Have I told you lately that I hate running? yeah...

#2. I successfully transfered cookie dough from a "too big" container to a "just right" baggie to put in the freezer, WITHOUT even a LICK of the spoon! IT CAN BE DONE!!! On top of that... I haven't as much as licked a BNPB spoon either! Yep... today... I'm the BOMB!!!

BRING IT ON!!

Sometimes you feel like a nut....

I was thinking today that sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I'm not... which brought me to that old Almond Joy commercial "Sometimes you feel like a nut... sometimes you don't... Almond Joys got nuts, Mounds don't..because... sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't!"

(Good luck getting that tune out of your head for the rest of the day!)

I have long determined that I would make a horrible criminal! I would commit my crime and run straight to the police station to confess. I'm also a bad liar, so why even bother. It's one thing that keeps my on the straight and narrow in life. So today I had my first "sweet cheat" since January. I was being an idiot! Not hungry, feeling great, not at all tempted. So I decided to clean out the fridge a little bit to determine what I needed to be thinking about for near future dinners. Hmmm... the last piece of apple pie from Easter weekend. "I should put this in the freezer. ... I wonder if it's even still good?" Off comes the cover, sniff... smells good. Maybe just a TEENY taste before I put it in the freezer "I don't want to freeze sour pie!". Three bites later, I somehow willed myself to throw the rest of the damn thing in the garbage. I could have EASILY eaten the whole piece and probably justified it somehow. Ugh! It was so good... ridiculous! I haven't craved sweets too much since the diet but,... dang.... Well, moving on with life...

That tasty sin occurred mid afternoon-ish, (before my last spin class of the day) sooooo... I kicked my own butt in class as punishment and hoped that I would burn enough extra calories with my super hard push to not have to suffer the consequences. It's awfully close to competition to be cheating at this point. And in general, that thought alone is enough to deter the cheats (unless it's BNPB... that happens)

With that exception, I felt GREAT today! High energy, great classes (all 3 were awesome) Lots of sweat and fun was had by all. (well, me anyway... I did hear some grunting and moaning throughout all 3 classes but that just means it's good)

Today was SICK!...

1am - 5am ~~ I wake up to pee and can't go back to sleep. I'm starving! My throat feels like sand paper! I feel like a rotisserie chicken rolling and rolling then I get to thinking... mmmm... warm chicken sandwich with a glass of cold milk would put me right to sleep. I almost got up to write in my blog (I had a couple of paragraphs written in my head but there were a lot of swear words in it at that time) But I knew that if I came downstairs I would eat... so I stayed in bed.

5:55 alarm goes off for spin class. I had fallen asleep finally so now I feel drugged. When I got up I could hardly hold myself up I was completely depleted. Sorry... there is NO WAY I'm doing the empty stomach workout today. So I ate my protein bar and trudged off to class

7:15 I lived thru spin and had a pretty good workout. Got home and had 1/2 of my breakfast, got Hunter to school, left to train my client, went to the commissary, took the dog to Petco for a nail clip, came home, put the groceries away, killed some ants

9:45 on my way to Lisa's for posing practice. All goes well... a little tweak to the rear biceps and rear lat spread that will help my butt to look smaller. Pictures again on Thursday. I wouldn't let Lisa take pics today cuz I was makeup-less and on 3 hours of sleep. I'm starving!

11:15 on the way home to EAT! I check my phone, message from another NPS instructor wants me to sub for her spin class at noon. Ummm... why not?

11:30 eat the other half of my breakfast (more like scarf the other half of my breakfast) call Lisa to tell her I'm crazy and beg her for more calories. Duh... of course. YEAH! After a rice cake with BNPB and 1/2 of a Detour bar (about 250 calories) I am pumped back up and ready to spin

12 - 1 Spin class

1:15 home eat the other half of my detour bar, quick shower, lay out on the trampoline for awhile and try to nap... no luck with the nap. But the warm sun and closed eye rejuvenates me and makes me happy.

3:30 clothes changed, snack made - actually 2 snacks at one time..SWEET (tuna on a sandwich thin and 1/2 MetRex pack) and dinner prepared in advance

4:10 off to Muscle Power Flex class for my last work out... lower body. Ugh! My poor legs! But I feel great with my surge of calories. It wasn't my hardest class but good none the less.

5:30 out the door on the way home to eat. Mike cooked up my food for me so I could bring it with me to massage class

5:45 with food in hand, drive to class

6:15 Massage teacher not feeling well, and dismisses class early! THANK YOU JESUS!!

7pm... blogging... going to sit on my butt for a couple of straight hours and then going to bed early!!!!

85 in, 600 out? How's that workin' out for ya?

I know it's weird to write twice in one day, but I wanted to post something. As you know, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday are low cal days and it's pretty tough to get moving by the afternoon. Today I had eaten my 3rd of 5 snacks, (a protein bar) after my workout at about 1:00. I knew I'd have to wait until about 4:45 to eat my next snack to get me through 5:30 spin class. My 4th snack is 1 rice cake with 1 T. of BNPB (85 whole calories). Although I look forward to anything peanut butter, I knew that 1 cake is never enough. But somehow, it usually gets me through class. So I ate my rice cake and as an added precaution I had a 5 hour energy shot. At 5:00 I thought, there is no way that I'm going to have the energy to work hard in class. I could hardly lift my arms up to drink the shot!

I'm driving to class and I can literally feel the calories and/or 5 hour energy kicking in and by the time I get to class (about 5 minutes...not kidding) I am practically skipping into the building. And I have to say, class was BRUTAL! Even by my standards... it was a tough class. Fast paced throughout with only one hill climb. I was kicking ass and taking names baby! At 6:00 almost exactly, I started to feel the energy leave my body about as fast as it came while I was driving to class. Oh Oh! I was fading FAST! The last song I had them do hovers from all 3 positions (glutes back, center, glutes forward) moving directly from one the next without coming up. My legs were literally shaking and so were my arms. It was complete mental will to keep going. I was almost in tears and felt the early signs of hyperventilation. But I knew I could push for 2 more minutes, knowing it was the last song. I had to be very careful getting off the bike so that my legs wouldn't buckle and hung onto the bike all through stretches. From class I had to pick up Hunter from BJJ class and then to pick up Kaelyn from play practice so I didn't get to eat until 7:30. I was nauseous by the time I got to my plate and scarfed it down like an Ethiopian!

Lesson: Don't trust your 85 calorie snack to get you all the way through a 600+ calorie workout!

So tomorrow I get to try my first "empty stomach" workout for 6am spin. Giggle** yeah... we'll see how that goes! I've NEVER done spin without at least my 120-180 calorie protein bar.

WISH ME LUCK!

Just what I needed!

Today, out of the blue, my awesome friend Kate drops by my house with a present. Four little boxes wrapped in athletic ad paper (carefully chosen so there were no food ads) with a little note in each. Four awesome packs of gum! And can you even believe that I did not have any of those 4 flavors? I literally have 10 packs of gum in my desk drawer, 2 in my purse and 2 in my bedroom and Kate brought me 4 flavors that I don't have! AmAzInG!! My friend Kate is that person that knows just when to pick me up, encourage me, send me a little message, or bring me some food (prior to the diet of course!) and I adore her to pieces! With friends like Kate, a husband like Mike and a trainer like Lisa... how can I not kick some ass at my very first competition!? Seriously!... you guys are the muchiest people in the world!

I LOVE YOU!

MIke is smokin' crack...

Today Mike informed me that he is going to do my diet with me for the next 3 weeks to show his support and help me combat my nightly cravings. I think he should share whatever he has been smoking. Here is the good thing for me..... If Mike eats meat and veg every night for dinner,then I don't have to cook delicious meals for the family. Tianna will be gone all of next week at science camp, Kaelyn has musical rehearsal until 7 for the rest of the month, so I only have to feed Hunter this week. Tianna can throw in pizza and my kids love to have cereal for dinner! SCORE! Of course Mike will not have to feel the difficulty of the 5 o'clock temptation... but this isn't about him, it's about me... so the bottom line is... I don't have to cook (essentially) for the next 3 weeks! Mike can cook on the weekends and that will feed the family all week! And if Mike snitches... well... who really cares? He doesn't have to put on a speedo and parade around under a spot light! This will make my life so much easier!! I already have less stress because of the very thought! THANKS HONEY! I LOVE YOU!!

3 weeks out pic of the back

I'm posting a picture of my back at my last posing session Tuesday as encouragement to myself to stay focused. My family and a couple of friends are watching the UFC fight on PPV tonight and one of my friends brought baked cheetos. ... My all time favorite crunchy snack. So here I sit trying to keep my mind focused. 21 days to the competition and I have to keep from snitching. If I was to snitch even one cheeto I know it would be like a fat kid with twinkies under her pillow at fat camp up in here. I'll work on finishing up bedazzling my posing suit. I just heard from the competition coordinator that ALL competitors will perform their routines at the night show. So all is not lost with the suit.

Bedazzle me!!!

Today was a great day. I LOVE Wednesdays cuz I get the most calories. I felt normal all day, not hungry or low energy and I worked hard in all my classes. I still took a nap though! I've taken a nap every day this week. I'm just glad that I CAN take a nap when I need one especially since Mike and Hunter had both been sick for over a week.

Did I tell you that I got my competition suit in? It's red and pretty and I started to glue embellishments on it so it sparkles like Malibu Barbie on Prom night. But then I realized that right there on the natural body building website that the pre-judging suit must be a solid color with no embellishments! Damn! If I don't make the top 5 to get into the night show, I'll have bought a $160 suit plus $25 of crystals for no reason at all. It's not like I can walk the beach with that thing on! Geez!... can you imagine? Only if I was Pamela Anderson before the gigantic boob job....then maybe I'd strut the beach in a crystal embedded tiny two piece. Anyway, I'm glad that I have my practice suit to wear even though it is not shiny. It will do, and I'm used to being in it.

So for any of you who might be inspired to do a competition, (hehehe... well you never know!) Check the rules thoroughly before essentially ruining an expensive "one time wear" posing suit. But on the off chance that I make it to the night show, just look out your window to the North at about 8pm and you may see my sparkles all the way from Oakland! Yippy!

Brain cells come and go, but fat cells live forever!

Well, I think that today definitely made up for yesterday. The last 4 weeks is going to be no kidding around. Today I already felt the wrath of the "4 weeks out" diet. I felt totally depleted all afternoon. I ate meal 1 at about 7:30, pre workout snack at 9:30 the post workout snack at about 12:30 which was a protein bar. That 180 calories had to carry my until 4:45 to fuel for my spin class... 1 rice cake with BNPB and 45 calories worth of protein drink mix. I felt like I could hardly move all day. Everything seemed to take max effort. And walking into spin class was like the Green Mile. Amazingly, (as what usually happens), my BNPB calories kicked in about 10 minutes into class and I made it thru with surprising energy. In the end it was a pretty sweaty class although it was a challenge and I had to tension back on one song where we did a fast standing climb but otherwise I was able to push myself pretty well. "Push up" turd came to class tonight and tried to talk to me but I pretended that I didn't hear him ( I didn't actually hear him but I know he said something to me because there was no one else around him) I swear if he would have said a single 'peep' during push ups that I would have claimed the "carb depleted mad woman" card and kicked his ass in front of everyone! But he was smart and kept his mouth shut. I have to admit that I was pretty wobbly walking to my car after class though and was as desperate as one can be to get home and eat.

Dinner was AWESOME. Stir fried shrimp and chicken with mixed peppers and some asparagus. Mmmmm.... mmmmm... good! But already I am thinking about breakfast.

BTW... I was 126.6 on the scale this morning. The same weight as I've been all week, which is .2 pounds lost from last week. My sins from yesterday might still show up on the scale midweek but I'm trying to combat the sodium with extra water. I've had to pee about a million times today! Actually... speaking of ....

I don't want to talk about it...

I do not want to write this blog. But I told myself that I would be honest in my blog as a way to help to keep me accountable. So far it's worked out pretty well. I don't want to tell you that I've skipped a workout, or cheated on my diet, or played hooky to watch HDTV... so I haven't done those things. Unfortunately, today was not such a good day. Happy Easter by the way.... It started out great! Full of the grace of God, doing the Easter Bunny thing, taking pictures, getting ready for church, starting lunch/dinner prep. Let me just throw down the menu for you. Appetizer for Mike... his favorite cheese ball. (Cream cheese, green onion, chopped dried beef, accent and Worcestershire... yummy! Mike and I could eat this up together, easy!) Of course, deviled eggs, potato salad (my mom's awesome home made recipe, not the store bought stuff... mine had bacon in it... need I say more?) Pineapple ham and last but not least, home made buns. These I made for the very first time today. So why would a bread addict decide to make home made buns 4 weeks out from competition? I don't know! I'm crazy! I thought I could be strong! We had company and I wanted to impress! I didn't think they would turn out!... I mean come on!... you know how your grandparents used to cook. A dash of this, some of that, "beat the hell out of it".."kneed it til it farts"... enough flour until it feels right... so honestly, my hopes were really not that high for a first try.

I got the dough rising before we left for church and all was going well. After the veggies were chopped for the potato salad (onion, celery, radish) I set some aside to make my own separate salad. I put about 5 little chunks of potatoes, my 5 egg whites, added a little mustard, low fat mayo and a little relish for taste. (I don't put relish in my potato salad otherwise). Sounds harmless right? Then I used my la

st 2 whole eggs and made myself 4 deviled eggs with a little low fat mayo, mustard and relish (I got 5 egg whites and 2 whole eggs for snack on today's diet menu) Still not too bad. Probably about 1/2 of a tablespoon more mayo than was on my diet menu. The potato salad is another one of those old family recipes that you "make to taste" and I've only made it a couple of times, so of course I had to taste... this was where the snowball started. The Accent, Lawery's, the REAL Miracle Whip.... Lord have mercy it was like a party in my mouth. Two big bites, put it in the fridge, have a piece of gum. A similar situation with the deviled eggs but less of a 'big bite" and more of a "little lick".... more gum. The Cheeseball was ridiculous... 2 ritz crackers with dip..to taste, of course. Damn good.... more gum.

By this time the buns are the only thing left. So far they looked right, here's to hoping! When they came out of the oven it wa

s like my mom had snuck in and made them herself. They smelled so good, I had to take a bite to make sure I wasn't dreaming! Mmmmm... yep! Just like mom used to make. Can't let the family see that I took a bite, so I ate the whole thing. (It was small) Ok... one more... more gum. Company shows up, time to eat. All is ok, I have my 2 deviled eggs, my (not nearly as yummy but still on my plate) potato salad, some turkey and shrimp. And it's before 7pm! Whew! At least I have that going for me.

The family is eating and enjoying. I mostly am noticing the buns. I'm dreaming about the buns. My mouth is watering for the buns. I have to have a bun. I premeditated on my bun cheat. "I'll wait until I can take a couple of plates into the kitchen and I'll sneak one while I 'clean up'." Two buns, 2 cheese crackers and one big bite of salad off my son's plate, later and I was nearly in tears, going up stairs to brush my teeth and attempt to get the yummy, salty, bacon-y, bun-tastic taste out of mouth so I could make the whole thing stop! I stayed out of the kitchen after that. I put the remaining buns in the freezer and what didn't fit in the bag, I sent home with Billy, along with the rest of the cheeseball.

I really don't want to get on the scale tomorrow. I feel ridiculous. I'm not strong at all. Even if I could start the day over, I know I would still cheat. I probably wouldn't have baked the buns, if I could redo the day, but I'd still have cheated. It's not even the chocolate or apple pie that I want. It's the salt, the bread, the bacon.... and a glass of wine.

So I don't want to talk about today. This is my one and only confession. I'm not going to bring it up to Lisa, I'm just going to work extra hard in the gym this week. She will read my confession anyway, and I know what she would say so, Lisa, you don't have to say it. I don't think this is funny and I'm not laughing about it. If it weren't for company I probably would have gotten my bike out and rode hard for an hour. But now I'm going to go to bed dreading the scale tomorrow. Maybe I'll forget to weigh myself and just do it on Wednesday.

Ugh... today sucked. I hate dieting on holidays!

I don't need anger management, I just need you to stop pissing me off!

I didn't get a chance to write my blog yesterday but I had some stories to tell you. First, in my spin class I worked hard and after class did 20 pushups. ((This week I started 'assigning' 20 pushups after every spin class...I max out personally)) So I was doing my pushups and this dude, who comes sporadically (fat guy of course) starts barking at me like a drill sergeant to get my belly to the ground! I was all like... WTH are you talking about? My pushups are perfect form, 90 degree arm bend, flat shoulders and back, on my toes not knees. He keeps saying "belly to the ground", and I keep saying..."what are you talking about? my form is perfect!" He says... (get this)... "Those are girl pushups". I told him to shut up .. (with a smile of course) but I think my regulars felt my annoyance. Of course I asked him to show me what he considered "perfect form" but he couldn't because of his 'double wrist injury'. Surprise. I was pretty mad about that for a couple of hours after class but got over it after I vented and laughed about it to Mike and Lisa. The thing that made me mad was that he was trying to call me out in front of my class in a way that I didn't at all appreciate. I can take correction and criticism from appropriate sources but I do not like to be barked at like a drill sergeant. I am not in basic training.

Two hours later, I was at Lisa's for my first of 3 hours of workout. We laughed about "drill sergeant douche bag". After the workout, we both had our snack... her, a PB rice cake and I a shake. I had to put the shake in my water bottle. I added a little extra water and my bottle has a pretty big mouth (I've drank shakes from it before) but my shake was too thick to come out so I was holding it over my open mouth with nothing happening. Lisa thought this was pretty funny and I mentioned that it reminded me of when DQ blizzards first came out and they used to hand them over the counter to you upside down... remember that? My very first job was working at Dairy Queen when I was 15. Anyway, then Lisa threatened me not to talk about ice cream (she is also contest prep dieting and longs for hot fudge sundays like I long for ... well,... just about everything!) Perhaps you had to be there, but for whatever reason, we thought this whole conversation was hilarious and I "laughed my abs off" standing right there in her kitchen.

Next hour was posing and I already knew I would have "shake belly" (if you recall this happened a couple weeks ago when I drank my shake right before posing practice.) Toward the end I showed Lisa my "Do I look different from the side?" pose. Trust me when I say that I have some skill when it comes to sticking out my tummy. This may have really frightened her, because now it was her turn to laugh her abs off! Too bad there isn't a "5 months pregnant" contest category cuz I would totally take first!! Suffice it to say it was a fun couple of hours and a good workout to boot. After that I decided to do my HIIT at NPS since Lisa had errands to run before picking up the gang at DLI. I had a great HIIT even on my own and was home at 12:30.

That night for dinner, I made shrimp linguine. Whole wheat pasta, shrimp, a can of diced tomatoes, garlic, oregano and a little red pepper and feta cheese. After checking all of the ingredients (including sodium) I thought that I might be able to sub out this meal for my last 2 meals on my diet menu. (minus the cheese of course) But just to be sure I texted Lisa with the ingredients and asked her opinion. This is how the conversation went...

Me: "Can I... " blah blah blah...

Lisa: One month out today...what do you think?

Lisa: ...No!!

Lisa:... Hell no!

Me: No fair!

Me: You're mean!

Lisa: I know

Lisa: Suck it!

Me: Hot fudge sunday

Me: How do you like me now?

Lisa: Double suck it!

Me: I'm pouting.

Lisa: Wasted energy, use it to practice your routine.

Me: Yes ma'am

Spoken like a true trainer! Loves to Lisa who can totally yell at me and have me begging for more and thanking her for it.... unlike douche bag, "belly down" push up guy who doesn't know s**t and just pissed me off. So Lisa, thanks for the laughs and the spanking yesterday! (How often can you hear those words in the same sentence!) I would be a fat mess without you, cheating and justifying on a daily basis and then wondering why I'm not losing any weight!

Anyway, a great day yesterday and I suspect another today. I woke up at 6:30 this morning from a weird food dream (a regular occurrence) and was too hungry to go back to sleep.

There once was a man from Nantucket...

A Monterey girl there once was

Who went on a diet because,

They thought she was crazy

Low carbs made her lazy

And the baked ziti made her head buzz!

This girl took a two hour nap

Her energy level was tapped,

It made her feel rested

But that night she was tested

And ended up sleeping like crap!

So today was a very tough day

Three classes she taught for pay,

She felt like sleep walking

Why can't she stop talking?

Caffeine in a bottle, I say!

It works like a miracle drug

5 Hour Energy should be pushed by thugs,

No need to save face

She'll buy by the case

And before every class she will chug!

Anyone for apple pie?

I had great workouts today! This morning I did a HIIT session on the bike in Spin class (same as last night....sweaty both times!) I had amazing energy for my morning class which is relatively unusual. I'm sure my class thought I was "on something". When I got home I had a sugar free pancake with MM and sugar free syrup. After about 20 minutes, I was still feeling light headed and a bit shaky. I know my body and this means low blood sugar. So I had half a bagel (minus a chunk that I ate on some previous day) with a little BNPB and a little pumpkin butter and within 10 minutes felt better. Lesson?... THIS BODY NEEDS SUGAR!! I've been saying it all along! :-)

Then posing with Lisa. Still improving but it's still amazing that my butt still looks so HUGE after losing 10 pounds! Today she video taped my routine and I was totally grossed out by the jiggling that was going on from the back view! Talk about motivation to stay strict to the diet! UGH! Seriously? I feel skinny and awesome and it's still not enough! I need some miracle cellulite cream! (I have some actually. I friend gave me some to try.... come on Arbonne! Don't let me down!) I'm pretty sure that I'll be bathing in it! But then the question will be... was it the cream? or the diet? "Is it real or is it Memorex" Remember that commercial? SHINY NICKEL!!

Then I subbed for MPF class so I took advantage of that and did my lower body workout in class and got paid! YEAH! Can you say..."Best job ever?" So in-between each set, we did abs and I think the class was dying! They were dropping off like flies... *evil laugh* I might even feel this ab workout tomorrow! So I walked out, a little wobbly legged, wondering if my family had the left over BBQ chicken sandwich stuff and apple pie put away before I would get home. Yes, apple pie! My neighbor brought one over as a "thank you" for watching their dog. More like "I hate you...here is some evil temptation!" But I'll forgive... And of course, only my loving husband had a piece cuz the kids don't really care for apple pie... so 'lucky for me' the pie will be in the fridge all week until Billy gets off his "no sugar Lent fast" and comes over and eats the rest next weekend. If anyone wants some yummy apple pie please come over and help yourself! But my family was awesome in having everything put away before I got home. Of course, Hunter wanted more... so I had to get it out, warm it up, smell it, have it under my nose, and watch him eat it.... ugh! Torture! "Just remember the video!".... to the Jell-o tune... "Watch it wiggle... Watch it jiggle"... Yeah, I got this!

Oh... and also.... 5 Hour Energy makes me crazy! I'm so going to pop some of that about 20 minutes before KB tomorrow! WOOHOO!! Bring it on!!!

The lesson for today?? Sodium....

It's finally Sunday....aaahhhh.... resting the weary butt muscles! I've had a really great week this week. All of my workouts were strong and productive and I didn't cheat on my diet. I do have one thing to tell you and it is an important lesson. Last night, I consciously decided to swap out my last meal for what I made for dinner. After reading all the labels I cut myself a SMALL piece of barbeque chicken calzone. The pizza crust was about the same but 10 extra carbs than I would have normally eaten and the chicken was fine, there was no cheese on my little piece and the BBQ sauce had a about 4 grams more sugar than the A1 sauce that I would have put on my rice. Overall, I thought it was a pretty good swap for the extra joy it gave me to eat something different, albeit a very small portion. I felt no guilt over this at all. Later, I decided to update my recipe book because I have all sorts of internet print outs, and magazine pages, etc that are just stuffed into my book, so I was writing out the ones that I have made in the last couple of weeks (family enjoyed them all and said they were keepers). When I got to the BBQ chicken calzones, and was writing out the nutritional value (all very reasonable) EXCEPT ....can you guess what I missed in my substitution calculation? ..... I'm sure that Lisa and Jason already know and were shaking their heads at about the second sentence. That's right... sodium. Per serving about 765 mg! Even tho I had less than a serving, I was sitting there with my mouth hanging open, color drained from my face as if I had just eaten rat poisoning and had about 2 days to live. (OK... perhaps that is a slight exaggeration) But after my great week of no cheating and looking down the barrel of another 2 pounds of weight loss, I think I just screwed myself. That's what I get for trying to make "logical" substitutions. Not to worry Lisa, no more label reading. It's just the menu. And lo and behold, this morning I was exactly 1 pound heavier than I weighed yesterday morning. Stupid water retention. At this stage of the game, although, we still haven't talked about sodium restriction, IT'S A HUGE DEAL!!!

So endith the lesson....

In other news, I finished my routine, and 'performed' it in front of Jason and Mossy yesterday at Lisa's. It was totally nerve wracking! I was more nervous than I expected myself to be. I trust and respect "Team Brightman", consider them friends and know that they would not laugh behind my back or judge me negatively..... yet ... still nervous. I've always had some issues with performance anxiety (during my singing days in HS/college) but I thought that my experience of teaching aerobics would help that...I don't have to sing, after all! I got through it and, thanks to my darker tan, they may not have noticed my deep blushing. It was great experience to practice and front of others. So... Monterey friends, be prepared to be my practice audience!

Again, no dietary changes for me this week but changes in the workouts. I told Lisa that I can get away with staying off the bike for spin, and I have arranged with Marcelo (the other gym manager) to teach a beginner kickboxing segment for the next 4 weeks on Wednesdays. That will mean less jumping around for me, more teaching, partner drills, etc. So I have 2 HIIT sessions a week, 2 posing practices (1 hour each), 2 workouts with Lisa and 2 workouts on my own. Sounds fun right? Well I think so!

One week has passed after my first spray tan last weekend. The "fake" color is gone from my face but I think I'm hanging on to some color everywhere else still. But I have been enjoying the sun the last couple of days and probably picking up some color with that. I plan to hang out on my trampoline today again. Looks like it will be another beautiful day! Enjoy it friends!!

Nothing much....

I've had a great week this week. Other than Wednesday when I was super tired, I've been up in mood and attitude. I've worked hard and I have not cheated on my diet. I've been trying not to eat after 6pm as that will be my rule next month. It's going ok. I long to snack but I'm not starving.... yet. :-)

Thanks to my workout partners, Kate, Madelyn and of course Lisa. I don't do very well working out by myself. It's easy for me to be unmotivated to push the heavy weight when I'm alone.

I think I have my 90 second routine worked out. I'll finally show it to Lisa tomorrow (I hope).

As of Wednesday morning I weighed 127 (that's 1.4 pounds less than Monday) I'm beginning to see my own weight loss. I'm excited to see what the scale officially says on Monday morning.

Sorry I don't have any funny stories for you. It's been a busy but boring week, I just wanted to say "Hi" :-)

STOP THE CHEATS!!!

Today I worked out with Kate, chest and tri. I love working out with Kate. She said, "What do you want me to do?" And I said, "Just push me"..."OK". Off we go... 50 push ups to warm up, bench press bar plus 3 sets heavy, flat flys and incline bench negatives. Then tri pull downs with the rope, dips with 25 pounds, and finally tricep pushups. The first time I worked chest with Lisa she made me do 50 pushups at the end of the workout. So I, in all my wisdom, thought that I would do that again except combine it with triceps and do 50 tricep pushups. I tell Kate we are going to do 50. Off we go.... After 20 I said, "How about we just do 3 sets of 10". Kate says, "Hell NO! We're doing 50". I called her a bad name and told her she was mean. So we kept pushing them out. The last 5 of the last 2 sets of 10 were ridiculous! There was much crying and name calling. When we were done we both rolled over relieved that it was over! It was funny because at the end, we both went to wash our hands and after about 3 rubs of the soap, we both dropped our hands to the sink and moaned... at the exact same time!! Now that is a hell of a chest/tri workout!

After that, Kate said that she would help be pose practice because I've been kind of slacking on that and need someone to be accountable to. It's like any workout at home. We all have the best intentions some times but life gets in the way and before you know it, it's past your bed time and you promise yourself that you will do it tomorrow... only to fail again. Right? Haven't we all done that at some place in our lives? And then we face reality and admit that if we are to get a consistent workout, we have to join a gym? Well, maybe it's just me.

So I showed her the poses and she timed me. My legs were totally failing! Shaking like a Chihuahua on a cold winter day. It was horrible and a real wake up call that I better get my butt practicing or I will be sucking it on competition day!

Then HIIT with Lisa. Sprints on the treadmill. Still feeling that pull on my right quad and feel frustrated that I could do better if I could just extend my stride without pain. But I got through that and abs after.

Then Spin which I had my class do 5 pushups in between each song = 50 pushups... Why did I do that on chest/tri workout day?? I'm retarded! It wasn't that hard... only 5 at a time... But still only about 40% of my class did them all with me. And I'll do the same workout tomorrow with my morning class. Hope I'm not too stiff to do it all again. Then more abs.

Tomorrow Lisa is cutting my calories again. I'm nervous about that and let me tell you why. You know how I've confessed my cheats? (you know... the Triscits and whatnot) Well, it's getting easier and easier to snitch little cheats. A bite of family dinner here... a spoon of TJ's BNPB there... it's the dinner thing that is really getting me the last couple days. One bite...2 bites.... 3 bites... guilt. So LISA LISTEN UP!... you need to tell me to stop the cheating! Tell me why I have to stop the cheats and scold me for it. If you don't, and it continues to be "no big deal", then I'm afraid the cheats will add up to 100 calories a day and then what will be the point of decreasing my calories? I totally understand the cheating mentality. If you cheat once, and don't get in trouble, then cheating becomes easier and easier.

STOP THE CHEATS!!!

I think that will do for today. Tomorrow is spin, legs and posing with Lisa. I don't have a partner tomorrow *sad face*, but I'll put my big girl pants on and do my best.

ps.... As Kate and I were walking out of the gym today, I mentioned to her that I should stop by the NEX to get another MetRex shaker bottle for Mike, because he has taken a liking mine and uses it for his chocolate protein shakes. The problem is that the chocolate leaves chunks that won't rinse out easy, so I have to scrub the thing before I make my own shakes. That said, I did not have time to stop before coming home to eat before my HIIT so I said I'd just do it later. Sweet Kate came by my house while I was at my HIIT with a new shaker for me. What a great friend and workout partner! Luvs and hugs to Kate for being so awesome!

I'm not a black woman but I play one on TV....

I got my first spray tan today. Hmmmm.... I don't even know where to start. Interesting experience... First of all, I have to say that God places me in situations that prepare me for future events. For example, when I started the massage program, I was VERY nervous about disrobing and getting naked on a table with about 20 students on the room. Even covered, this was scary for me and took me quite awhile to relax with it. I'm just a conservative ND girl... Next I decided to do the competition. I'm picturing myself on stage looking thin and awesome, rocking the bikini. OK, Rachelle wasn't thinking about the "in-between" stages. So I have NOT rocked the bikini but still have had to put it on and pose practice in front of Lisa, and the camera (which brought me to tears the first time). The second camera session was easier on my fragile ego because I was more prepared for what I would see from the back side and I did see some small improvements. I'm getting more used to the bikini wearing (not that I plan to sport around town in it).Which brings me to today's tanning session. So there I was naked as a Jay bird, in the middle of my kitchen with a complete stranger. (You know, all good stories start with "so there I was", right?) She gives me the directions... "Don't put your arms down... stand with your feet apart... turn to the side...." all the while misting me with what feels like arctic snow, so everything is standing at attention (goose pimples, of course!) "Ok now face the back.... other side... back to the front.... expose the inner thigh... Ok, now put your arms straight up in the air..." etc... I'm thinking that arms straight up, with your feet apart is about as vulnerable as I will have to be right?... wrong!.... "last, let me get the 'smile'... turn to the back and bend over"... Are ya kidding!? I'm thinking...'It's just like gynecologists... you've seen one, you've seen 'em all'. Here goes nothing!.... whew! Cold mist to the ass, and we are done. I said, "Boy, you really have to trust a person!" Then I had to stand there while she 'dried' me off. (With warm air...thank goodness!)

In the end, I do like the color, but it's pretty dark right now. The tan solution has a bronzer in it so that she can see what she is doing. The bronzer rinses right off but you don't want to rinse the tan for at least 8 hours. So I'm hiding out in my house looking like a white woman who

is dreaming of being black. My family got a good giggle on my behalf and I have decided to let you all giggle too. I'm posting my first picture to my blog. Have fun!

Confessions of a Triscuit

Quotes for the week....

Me to Mike "I cheated on my diet for the first time since mid January". Mike, "What did you eat?"

Me, "3 Triscuits." Mike, "Oooooo....."

Me to Lisa "I cheated on my diet last night". Lisa, "What did you eat?" "3 Triscuits" "Is that all?" (me in my thoughts.."I should have had 6")

Me to Mike "I bought Thomas's Whole Wheat bagels for you and the kids instead of the usual white. They are SO good... so soft and full of flavor! I could eat them dry and plain." (and I have). Mike, "Boy, your tastes have really changed in the last couple of months!"

Lisa to me while lifting my last rep of bench press, "Don't shake your head 'no' at me...push it up!"

Conversation between me, Lisa and Mossy after our HIIT on Thursday, "I ordered my suit last night." "Me too! Did you get padding in your top?" "No I want my pecs to show. Besides I have tits and muscle, that's all I need" "Tater tots" "Chick-lets" "Hey Jason, how are you enjoying this conversation?" Jason, "Can we go back to talking about your daughter's period?"

Me to my oldest daughter this morning, "What do I get to eat today?...EGGS!" Kaelyn, "You say that every day and every day you say... EGGS!"

Jane to me after my massage last night, " I feel like there is less of you."

I drank a 20 ounce MetRex shake on my way to Lisa's for posing practice. Lisa (repeatedly), "Pull your abs in." Me (repeatedly) "Damn shake..." Me to Lisa after posing practice, "At the competition, if I need to pull my abs in, just yell, 'SHAKE'.. and I'll know what to do." :-)

Dutchess (my dog) to Flexie (Lisa's dog), "Don't French me in front of my mom, I'll get grounded!"

Madelyn (one of my workout partners) on Thursday "Dude, my abs are STILL stiff!" Me, "From Saturday?? " "yes"... "Sweeeeettt"... hehehehe

Mike, "How'd you sleep last night" Me, "I think I woke myself up several times with my groaning every time I rolled over".. "Mac truck?" "Yep"

Kate to me, "How's the pooping going" "Guaranteed every Wednesday at 10:30 thanks to Kashi Go Lean"

Mike (repeatedly) "Put those guns away" Me (repeatedly) --rolling the eyes....

Me, "Trampoline meet my posing suit.... posing suit, trampoline... bring the tan!"

Hello Motrin! It's been awhile... Did you miss me?

I lost 1.4 pounds this week... yeah...

Today's workout, quads/back, HIIT and Spin... booo... (I mean.. yeah!)

I lifted this morning with Pam, wondering how my HIIT was going to go after lifting quads.

I was even more afraid when Lisa said to meet her on the track since it's such a nice day. I loved being outside! But running outside is by far harder than running on the treadmill. So I warmed up with 2 laps around the track and we started out our first sprint. I guess it was too much too soon because within the first 5 steps I felt that my quads were not ready! Both pulled immediately.. especially the right side. So I hobble/ jogged..(would that be "jobbled"?) to the end and tried to shake it off on the way back to the start, but I know my body pretty well. This was going to be a problem. After a little stretch, I tried again but slower... still pain. So we did a couple laps of butt kickers to warm and stretch the quads and things started to loosen up a little bit. Then a couple more sprints but I couldn't really get a good stride and felt like I was limping along. Then some side steps and jogging backwards to the start again. You know the feeling when you have a tight muscle that might be on the verge of a charlie horse if you aren't careful? yep.. that's me.. both quads. So I'm sitting here with ice packs wrapped around both legs and the Motrin sitting handy. I will be playing games in Spin tonight because I suspect that my quads will not love me if I try to push them on the bike. There you have that...

On a funny note... On the way home from the gym today, I saw a man walking in a charcoal gray suit with high-water pants, light brown ankle boots and long gray hair sporting a shiny bald spot (reminded me of Michael Bolten hair... 80's wannabe rocker.. not working!) Anyway, I had to giggle at the many fashion blunders on this one man. It's the little things sometimes! hehehehe.