Can you be social and skinny?

Food ... Friend or Foe? It's been one month since my competition. I was an unusual 119 pounds and feeling great! Knowing that I'd gain it back, I have written a couple of times already about my mental food struggles. I've learned a lot about myself in this time. Even though I've turned into a scale addict, I weigh myself daily to see how the previous day affected me. I've found that if I eat any calories more than about 1700 I will gain weight, and if I keep it between 1500 and 1700 I can take the previous day's weight gain off in 2 days. So I can only go over calories once every 3 days if I want to maintain my weight. Obsessive? Yes! I still log all of my foods, I look for recipes that are clean and then I make changes to them to make them cleaner. I figure out the macros and put them in my log. I made a page to my "approved foods" list of recipes that are delicious and that fit into acceptable macro ranges. This way when I start my next diet (next fall) I can still cook meals for my family that we all enjoy and I can get some variety... making the whole experience easier. I haven't had as much time to do that this week however, because it's the last week before the big bargain fair and I have to finish getting ready for that... cleaning out closets, pricing and packing "sell" boxes into the neighbor's empty shed.

I have had a lot of social functions this week. I posted this question on Facebook a few days ago.... "Food for thought".... Can you be social and skinny at the same time? And by this I don't mean your "natural" weight. Most women want to lose at least 5 pounds, but their bodies like to stay at 'such and such' weight. So if you want to be that 5 pounds thinner, can you be social and go to social events? We all know that social events almost ALWAYS involve food. "Let's go to lunch!", the neighborhood BBQ or block party, end of the season pot lucks for piano, sports, classes, scouts, clubs. Then we have several friends that are also PCSing soon, so we say, "let's get together for dinner!" "Let's have a girls' night out! Wine tasting and dinner/drinks"..... Are you following? If not... then you need to find some friends and live a little! OK.. so this week alone, I had boy scout ice cream social (which Mike went to), breakfast with a girlfriend (after we worked out, of course), my last NPS class which I brought apple Fiber One muffins with protein powder (healthy but added unscheduled calories to my day), a pot luck for massage lab, wine tasting and dinner with "the girls", 'going away' dinner with friends last night, neighborhood block party tonight. There are 2 more scheduled for next week but both on Friday. And then Sunday we leave for vacation for 2 weeks! I'm hoping that it won't be too hard to eat healthy--mostly... but I won't be able to count the calories.

Anyway, the responses to my FB post were some like, "eat small portions", "plan for the extra calories by cutting calories earlier in the day", "workout more on those days", and one answered "NO". I have to agree with the last person. When I was 137 pounds, I could eat anything I wanted in any quantity and not gain weight. The scale might fluctuate, give or take, 2 pounds but I never had to worry about it. God made me a comfortable 137... my given natural weight. THEN the "diet" happened, I lost 18 pounds, looked great, felt great and trying to only come back half way. Well... guess what?... my body wants to go back to 137! My goal was to stay under 130 and I really have to fight to stay there. So can I have friends and meet my goal? I just really don't know. So far it's not really working out. I hit 130 this weekend. It's no surprise with the amount of social stuff this week. It's been unusually busy. I think I've done PRETTY well at portion control. But when people bring food to a pot luck, they bring the best tasting recipes that they have! You know... the ones with lots of butter and real sugar and lots of cheese.... they don't bring rice cakes, protein brownies, or vegetable cookies! (I do have a zucchini cookie recipe that is delish! But if you want them to be good, you still have to ad sugar!..no butter tho). So even if you portion control, you are still eating a lot of extra fat and sugar than you normally would have. So you say... well, just don't eat it! SURE!... That's just an EASY thing to do!! (yeah right!)... and the other option would be... don't go. Then you have ask... how much do I like having friends? Listen, when I was training, I was almost exclusively antisocial for over 3 months. My friends would invite me and I'd say no because the temptation was too great and it made me crabby to not be able to eat all the tasty foods that were out. So after awhile my friends stopped inviting me. I started feeling left out...which made me ... CRABBY! There is no way to win people! If I had better will power, I could go to parties and not eat.. but I don't have it. I don't think I ever will. Although I think I will get better and better about portioning. I've already gotten a little better with my control. But other things are coming out, that I am having to deal with and it's not as easy as just "not eating it". I went through some bulimia issues in high school. To make a long story short... I don't think I ever quit bingeing. I just quit purging and started exercising. I never even realized that I was bingeing until now that I have the freedom to eat again, and I'm counting the calories. Now, when I have a "bad moment", I feel like I've totally screwed my day, and I'll be like.. "well I might as well screw it big today and I'll just start over tomorrow". The good thing is that I have recognized this as a problem and I'm trying to work it out. It's gotten better! I go back to conversations with Lisa and Kate, and try to coach myself through those moments. "This food is going to be here tomorrow" "You don't have to eat it all now, you can have this anytime you want some"...etc. I really am getting better, but I have a ways to go. Things like this take time and patience. I get frustrated with myself and this is where Kate comes in. It's time to confess that Lisa is no longer in my life. She felt like she was too invested in my success/failure after the competition and because of my repeated food failures (which I repeatedly confessed to her) she felt that she was wasting her time with me and I haven't talked to her since 1 week after the competition. I was crushed, of course. It's almost like I went thru the 5 stages of grieving. Anger held on the longest, but then I started to realize that I had put her up so high on a pedestal and had unrealistic expectations of what she could (and would) do for me. I think we both made a mistake. She was too invested in me, and I didn't rise up to her expectations and I relied too heavily on her and she didn't hold up to mine. I let her down, and she left me. I think we both lost.. I lost a trainer and mentor and she lost a friend. In the end, I've had to learn more from myself and have talked a lot with Kate about food issues, as we both have similar problems. It helps to have someone to talk to that understands the difficulties. It's not as easy as "just don't eat it", which is what Lisa wanted from me. I felt like such a failure because I couldn't just "not eat it". Why can't I be like her, and just not "effing" eat it?? And because of that, I lost my trainer and someone I thought was my friend. (another mistake on my part). Friends will stick by you even when you fail continuously, trainers will fire you when you waste their time. I can't say that I really blame her, honestly. I wanted to be her friend but was still a client. I will have to be wary of that when I start picking up my own clients. There is a fine line there, and I do have a tendency to want to be friends. Our different personalities will make us very different trainers but it's still something to keep in mind. In the end, I still learned a TREMENDOUS amount of stuff from Lisa and she made me into a body builder which has changed my life.... the way I look, workout, the way I think and eat. I'll always be grateful for knowing her.

... And that's all I have to say about that.

I'll probably blog again after my vacation to let you know how it went.

If you didn't know better, you'd think we were lesbians

Things are getting better since last weekend's BBQ. On Tuesday I weighed in at 127 and was a bit depressed by my lack of control and dedication to my body. After an hour with Lisa, I felt better as usual and had 3 really good days of eating clean. On Friday morning I weighed 124. Yeah! Yesterday was International Language Day out at DLI and I took the kids out of school early to go. I knew I was going to eat something, gave myself permission and ate breakfast and snack accordingly. After perusing all the vendors we came across the Italian bread booth. Aahhh.. food heaven. Since I gave myself permission to eat something, I tried to choose very carefully. The owner of the booth was very kind and let us sample almost everything on the table. (There were 4 of us (Kate, Tianna, Hunter and I) sharing each sample so it was just a bite for the most part) My favorite item, BY FAR, was the home made monkey bread. Do you know what that is people? Bread with cinnamon and sugar swirled in? It's amazingly awesome! I told him I wanted a loaf of THAT and he put one in a bag for me. As we continued to look and taste, I decided that nothing good could come from me buying a whole loaf of monkey bread so I apologized and asked if I could buy just one slice. (A little something that I learned from Lisa just Tuesday). He GAVE me 3 slices, which only made me guilty enough to feel like I had to buy something! So I bought a loaf of whole wheat bread made with no butter and no sugar. It was full of nuts and bird seed... not cinnamon and sugar. So I walked away feeling pretty good. Then there were some emotional triggers last night and I had a couple of drinks, and then went on a nearly 2 hour walk with Kate.

I love Kate. She is such an awesome friend. She continually comes to my rescue, always encourages me no matter how many times I fail at the same damn task no matter how simple that task might seem. Her and I have the same type of weaknesses so we understand each other perfectly. As we walked and talked and she expressed her jealousy of my continuous walking farts, I realized that I may never find another friend like her. For those of you who know Kate, and she suddenly disappears from the area... don't fear, I probably just acted on my desire to adopt her as our permanent auntie/nanny and took her with us to Italy. I already invited her on her own free will but she wants to stay here and teach and start her career. That's just a crazy, ridiculous and absurd thing for her to do if you ask me! So I may have to take her by force. I even tried to convince her that she would surely find a handsome and rich European husband, but ..*sigh*.. she denied me this one thing. So I toast, with a jar of nuts to my ever steady, never will divorce me, always will support me and love me, friend Kate. Thanks for everything, my friend.

I think I've gone blind....

So yesterday was the big celebration BBQ. I talked a lot of smack about getting drunk and eating everything in sight. I did the second part of that for sure. I worked like a dog in the kitchen all morning baking, laundry, cleaning, tearing our fence down... you know, everyday stuff. When it got time to start drinking, I had to take Kaelyn to the mall, cuz I said I would, but I misunderstood that she wanted to go do Plato's closet. So I took her but had to stay while she shopped. When I got home I was an hour from party time and still had to make the salad, and then Julie came over to roll out her awesome home made rolls. The chaos continued in the kitchen for me, while hubby and friends were starting their beer "wizard staffs". I made a margarita for myself but kept setting it down to eat, and yell at the neighbor kids. By the time I finished eating I was too full to drink. My belly was so full and distended that I think I got some stretch marks! I felt yucky when I went to bed.

Today was Mother's Day, not as bad as yesterday but I feel just as stuffed. Tomorrow I am going to enjoy my clean diet food and even going to cook chicken and sweet potatoes for dinner.

I did have some great workouts at the end of the week though, because I am STIFF! My back from Thursday and legs from yesterday. It's awesome to feel that.

post contest diet, stalking? and whatever else comes to mind

Last night I had a little emotional moment and I had to take some quiet time to pull myself together....

So there I was...

OK, it's not going to be a passionate, make you laugh story. Sorry, Jason. I've been thinking a lot about post-contest diet and gaining the weight back since I STARTED training back in January. I thought (and still think) that I have a pretty good handle on the realistic situation of it all. But somehow, I still worry about it and feel a little guilty when I eat foods that have not been on my diet for the last 3 months. I've gone back to the early March version of the diet but still cut stuff out where I think I can because I give myself more leniency with my evening dinner with my family, so I try to conserve calories where I can. I'm still not eating after 7pm and I will maintain that healthy habit forever (I hope... unless there is drinking involved and then I can't be responsible for what goes in my mouth. Luckily I don't drink that often) So then, what's the problem? you might ask. I don't know. Lisa said that post competition is a huge "mental fuck" (her words of course :-) I can understand why. I can eat, and have been.. trying to keep in moderation, which MOSTLY is happening.. still not buying "naughty foods", just finishing up what's left from post comp gorge. What's the problem? Maybe it's just PMS. This morning I weighed 122.2 (up 3 pounds from Saturday) I don't think that is bad at all. I figure at least 1 pound of water retention. I'm hoping to stay 122/123 for another week or 2. This weekend will be a major caloric kill. We are having a HUGE BBQ in my honor to celebrate that I can eat. I plan to taste everything and drink plenty of Smirnoff. Then Sunday is Mother's Day. I'm sure there will be a treat of some kind. So I'm trying to be extra good today and yesterday. So on Monday our house should be purged of all things tempting (I mean BAD tempting like cake/cookies/alcohol.... ) So again, back on the diet I go. Still doesn't seem to be that big of a deal.

So here is the problem, I think. This might sound totally retarded and creepy so please don't judge. I think, in all honesty, that I'm feeling a little separation anxiety.... from Lisa. I don't want you to think I'm like, stalker status or anything. But Lisa is leaving in 3 weeks (or less) and she is super busy with all that. I am not training with her or consulting with her 4 times a week. I don't have her to tell me what to eat, and how to workout. I think I feel like a little part of me has gone away. Weird? It feels weird to me too as I just met Lisa in January. It's not like we have been lifelong friends. But for 3 months she has been my rock, my mentor, my trainer, my disciplinarian, my source of knowledge in all things fitness, my shoulder, my friend. I don't really feel ready to take on the task of continued training without her but I have to. It's like someone is pushing me into a pool of cold water and I HATE being cold!

In the end, I'm a strong woman and I will be ok. :-) I might wander aimlessly around my house mumbling and rambling on about random nothingness.. but as long as I don't start rocking myself into the wall repeatedly, I'll recover from post competition/trainer moving trauma.

I guess I'll post on occasion to let you know how the post comp diet is going. Lisa said that she has seen some crazy things happen to people post comp. Who knows? You might still get some good stories. In the mean time, I still enjoy rice cakes with peanut butter. My ultimate goal is to hang out between 125 and 130 while gaining 5 pounds of muscle mass in my upper body. That way, come this time next year, I will be kicking ass at my next competition in Italy somewhere. For those of you that are face book friends, you will hear about it and I will probably start blogging again. I think that blogging helped me to stay accountable and motivated. Plus, it was a bit of therapy for me too.

Competition pictures

Here are some pictures of the show. Although the organization itself was very unorganized and the day felt chaotic to be kind, I had a great time when I finally got my turn on stage. I was nervous but I did my best and I don't think the nerves showed. There were only 4 of us in the bodybuilding category and the 2 ladies to my right were in a different category that me so I was stuck with the marshmallowy girl to my left who had no business being on that stage. She knew it too and tried to drop out of that category but she was not allowed to drop. She was embarrassed to be there and I was embarrassed for her. So it was an easy first place for me. I was really hoping to have more competition so I could really brag about it, but I'll still take my trophy and put the ranking on my resume.

The night show was a lot of fun too. My routine went well, I didn't stumble or forget anything. I smiled the whole time and even tried to "egg on the audience" for applause. Pictures of me in the red suit are from the night show.

After the show I ate 3 slices of pizza, a 1/2 bottle of wine, and various treats and cookies. On Sunday I had a pretty decent breakfast, but then ate lunch at Rainforest Cafe, chocolate covered peanut butter cookie, and Cold Stone ice cream for 'dinner'. I was actually nauseous by bed time.

Today I was going to get back on the wagon but ate banana bread for breakfast, Myo frozen yogurt for lunch, more banana bread for snack, Mexican Fiesta Salad Pizza for dinner (pretty low fat but HI in sodium), and yet more banana bread for another snack after spin. I'm finding my motivation to not stick to the diet very weak now that the competition is over. My "food baby" has yet to be delivered. I'm going to try again tomorrow to stick to a clean "pre ~ peak week" menu. I only want to gain 10 of my 17 pound weight loss back. But the way things are going so far... we'll see. I think I will not beat myself up too much this week. Lisa told me I could just relax and eat whatever for a week, but my plan was to just have some dinner with my family and stick back to the diet otherwise. So far that has not happened... but it's only Monday.