I don't want to talk about it...

I do not want to write this blog. But I told myself that I would be honest in my blog as a way to help to keep me accountable. So far it's worked out pretty well. I don't want to tell you that I've skipped a workout, or cheated on my diet, or played hooky to watch HDTV... so I haven't done those things. Unfortunately, today was not such a good day. Happy Easter by the way.... It started out great! Full of the grace of God, doing the Easter Bunny thing, taking pictures, getting ready for church, starting lunch/dinner prep. Let me just throw down the menu for you. Appetizer for Mike... his favorite cheese ball. (Cream cheese, green onion, chopped dried beef, accent and Worcestershire... yummy! Mike and I could eat this up together, easy!) Of course, deviled eggs, potato salad (my mom's awesome home made recipe, not the store bought stuff... mine had bacon in it... need I say more?) Pineapple ham and last but not least, home made buns. These I made for the very first time today. So why would a bread addict decide to make home made buns 4 weeks out from competition? I don't know! I'm crazy! I thought I could be strong! We had company and I wanted to impress! I didn't think they would turn out!... I mean come on!... you know how your grandparents used to cook. A dash of this, some of that, "beat the hell out of it".."kneed it til it farts"... enough flour until it feels right... so honestly, my hopes were really not that high for a first try.

I got the dough rising before we left for church and all was going well. After the veggies were chopped for the potato salad (onion, celery, radish) I set some aside to make my own separate salad. I put about 5 little chunks of potatoes, my 5 egg whites, added a little mustard, low fat mayo and a little relish for taste. (I don't put relish in my potato salad otherwise). Sounds harmless right? Then I used my la

st 2 whole eggs and made myself 4 deviled eggs with a little low fat mayo, mustard and relish (I got 5 egg whites and 2 whole eggs for snack on today's diet menu) Still not too bad. Probably about 1/2 of a tablespoon more mayo than was on my diet menu. The potato salad is another one of those old family recipes that you "make to taste" and I've only made it a couple of times, so of course I had to taste... this was where the snowball started. The Accent, Lawery's, the REAL Miracle Whip.... Lord have mercy it was like a party in my mouth. Two big bites, put it in the fridge, have a piece of gum. A similar situation with the deviled eggs but less of a 'big bite" and more of a "little lick".... more gum. The Cheeseball was ridiculous... 2 ritz crackers with dip..to taste, of course. Damn good.... more gum.

By this time the buns are the only thing left. So far they looked right, here's to hoping! When they came out of the oven it wa

s like my mom had snuck in and made them herself. They smelled so good, I had to take a bite to make sure I wasn't dreaming! Mmmmm... yep! Just like mom used to make. Can't let the family see that I took a bite, so I ate the whole thing. (It was small) Ok... one more... more gum. Company shows up, time to eat. All is ok, I have my 2 deviled eggs, my (not nearly as yummy but still on my plate) potato salad, some turkey and shrimp. And it's before 7pm! Whew! At least I have that going for me.

The family is eating and enjoying. I mostly am noticing the buns. I'm dreaming about the buns. My mouth is watering for the buns. I have to have a bun. I premeditated on my bun cheat. "I'll wait until I can take a couple of plates into the kitchen and I'll sneak one while I 'clean up'." Two buns, 2 cheese crackers and one big bite of salad off my son's plate, later and I was nearly in tears, going up stairs to brush my teeth and attempt to get the yummy, salty, bacon-y, bun-tastic taste out of mouth so I could make the whole thing stop! I stayed out of the kitchen after that. I put the remaining buns in the freezer and what didn't fit in the bag, I sent home with Billy, along with the rest of the cheeseball.

I really don't want to get on the scale tomorrow. I feel ridiculous. I'm not strong at all. Even if I could start the day over, I know I would still cheat. I probably wouldn't have baked the buns, if I could redo the day, but I'd still have cheated. It's not even the chocolate or apple pie that I want. It's the salt, the bread, the bacon.... and a glass of wine.

So I don't want to talk about today. This is my one and only confession. I'm not going to bring it up to Lisa, I'm just going to work extra hard in the gym this week. She will read my confession anyway, and I know what she would say so, Lisa, you don't have to say it. I don't think this is funny and I'm not laughing about it. If it weren't for company I probably would have gotten my bike out and rode hard for an hour. But now I'm going to go to bed dreading the scale tomorrow. Maybe I'll forget to weigh myself and just do it on Wednesday.

Ugh... today sucked. I hate dieting on holidays!